Random Movie Idea 1/11/15

An idea I have had for a bit. Tyler Perry's The Weebles. "The Weebles, may wobble, but We Never Fall Down!" Coming Summer 2015 I think it would make a nice Robot Chicken bit.

Random Musings 01-01-2015

Can you imagine how awkward it would have been trying to get Dr. Suess' attention in Mexico? "Hey Suess, over here". I think you would have gotten a lot of stares.

Random Musings 12-31-2014

Imagine how much more fun the world would be if we courted women by how well we could swing our ballsacks. The bar scene would be hilariously gross. Random dudes, sacks out, swinging wildly. It's a world I want to live in.

My Review of The Death of Wolverine

Let me get this out of the way first: I am not a huge Wolverine fan. I like him as a supporting character way more than I do as a leading man, but I was curious as to how this mini would play out.

It started off fun. The first two issues had a lot of really great action in them. Issue 1 took Logan back to Canada and issue 2, back to Madripoor. The art was gorgeous, but there were problems with the continuity of the story. Last time I saw Sabertooth, he was running Madripoor, and in issue 2, he is being controlled by Viper. And by last time I saw him, I mean a month ago or less. Just a weird unexplained change. Issue 3 was a throwback to the Wolverine and Kitty Pryde series from the '80s. It was nice seeing them together, and Wolvie as a samurai, albeit very briefly. (And damn he got that armor on fast)

Now for issue 4. The final chapter. *spoilers* throughout the mini, Logan has had a price in his head, and the man who put it on him wants him alive. That man? Doctor Cornelius, the Doctor that was responsible for Wolverine's adamantium skeleton. A character who was supposedly dead, but is now back with a ton of money, searching for more adamantium to use in his experiments. His new experiments are not going so well, because the new batch of subjects lack Logan's healing factor. He went through all this to get Logan so he can, I guess, steal his healing factor, but sadly for him, Logan lost his healing factor some time ago. Everyone except Cornelius seemed to know this. He sets his latest badass super soldier creation on Wolvie, but Wolverine beats him. Cornelius triggers the adamantium injections for the new subjects, but Wolverine doesn't want the poor victims to suffer, so he destroys the container with the liquid adamantium and gets covered in it.

That is how the legendary Wolverine dies, smothered in adamantium and turned into a statue. I am obviously leaving out parts, but that was the gist of the issue.

Fun read, but the actually death was a bit of a letdown. Let us take a moment to mourn the passing of one of the most overrated heroes of all time. I leave you with The Sad Wolverine Statue. (How long until someone pulls a Return of the Jedi, and breaks Logan out? I beat his healing factor returned at the last minute, and will keep him in a state of semi-detached until his rescue.)

Sequels That Should Exist #1

Indiana Jones and the Lost Shaker of Salt

Legendary treasure hunter and Nazi ass-kicker, Indiana Jones, travels to the mysterious island of Margaritaville, and there, he is caught up in a mystery concerning the fable Lost Shaker of Salt. Can Indy survive? Will he blow-out a flip-flop? Tune in to find out! Featuring music by Oscar winning composer, Sir James Buffet.

Guardians of the Galaxy Review

"You've become part of a bigger universe, you just don't know it yet"

Fury spoke those words to Tony Stark in the first post credits scene of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Those words have finally come to fruition with Guardians of the Galaxy.

*spoilers ahead. A shit load of spoilers*

This is without a doubt the riskiest of the Marvel movies so far. A movie featuring a  talking raccoon and a talking tree? That is what reviewers keep pointing out when talking about this movie. Like we can suspend disbelief for Thor and The Hulk,  but not for Rocket and Groot. An animated movie about talking cars made a ton of money, and yeah it may be a "kid" movie technically, but I know adults who like it. I think movie goers will enjoy Rocket and Groot. Why? Because they are awesome and Rocket is one of the most fleshed out characters I have seen lately. Yeah a cg raccoon. You actually feel bad for the little guy, and you kind of forget he and Groot are just cgi. And Groot. The entirety of his lines are "I am Groot", and yet Vin Diesel gives it a lot of emotion, but then again he has had practice. Anyone remember The Iron Giant? (And if not, why? Go watch it now. It is a great movie)

The other three heroes are just new spins on other character types we have seen before, but it works. (Yes Groot and Rocket are also new takes on classic archetypes, but pshaw). They work incredibly well together.  Star-Lord is the dashing rogue, who seems flighty and a bit stupid at first, but steps up to become the hero. Gamorra, her planet destroyed, then tortured and raised by Thanos to be an assassin.  Drax, a man who watched his family die in front of him, and is driven by revenge.  All things we have seen before, but is done so well it seems fresh.

Ronan and Nebula. The main villains. Nebula the adopted sister of Gamorra, and wants to be the favorite of Thanos. Ronan, a Kree zealot who wants the destruction of the planet Xandar, the home of the Nova Corps(kinda like Green Lanterns for Marvel) and is working for Thanos to achieve this goal.

I am not going to go into the plot. I want to delve into other things, like Thanos. Yup, the mad Titan Thanos, first glimpsed in the post credits for the Avengers, is in the movie. Briefly. He is a legit badass in the Marvel U. His is intimidating and voiced by Josh Brolin. I cannot wait to see him kick the hell out if the heroes in Avengers 3.

And speaking of Avengers 3, any doubt that Avengers 3 would not be about the Infinity Gauntlet is gone after this movie. No more cute names for the stones. They are called the Infinity Stones and Thanos wants them.

This movie opens so many possibilities for future Marvel movies. The Celestials are introduced. The Kree Empire is talked about. Howard the Duck is in it. Yeah, Howard the Duck, but not the version from the horrible Lucas movie. This looks closer to the classic Steve Gerber version. A Howard the Duck movie done right, would be an awesome thing. Who is Star-Lord's father? In the comics he is the King of the Spartax. In the movie the Nova Corp say he is something ancient that the do not recognize. His mother said he was an Angel. Could he be The Beyonder? Adam Warlock?

The most important thing? This movie was a whole lot of fun. There was some cheese, but for the most part it was a straight sci-fi adventure movie. Closer in tone to Ice Pirates, than Star Wars. J.J. and the other future Star Wars helmers should take note of this movie. Go big or go home.

James Gunn got his start with Troma Studios (Troma mastermind Lloyd Kaufman has a brief cameo as a prisoner), did the Scooby-Doo movies, and wrote the remake of Dawn of the Dead, and now this guy pulls off an epic sci-fi film. There is some really cool shit in this movie. A city in the floating, decapitated head of a Celestial is just one of them.

Go see this. You should love it. If you don't, go see the Wizard and get some fun put into you. Movies like this should be fun. This movie is a lot of fun. And it also has a fleshed out raccoon and his talking tree partner. And both of them are way better characters I have seen in some recent big blockbuster movies.

Two minor gripes: The Nova Corps. No centurians or Richard Rider.  Not seeing Centurians taking on ships barehanded made me sad. I guess there are always future movies. And two I don't get why Yondu was in the movie. He was a character in the original Guardians line up that was set way into the future. And he was not the same character really.  Well, I doubt people will care too much about that change, and he was pretty cool in the movie.

See it.

No Shit Wrestling Is Fake, But Who Cares?

I was a huge wrestling (or rasslin') fan as a kid. My family used to go to Tulsa and watch matches featuring some of the great Southern wrestlers: "Cowboy" Bill Watts, Danny Hodge, The Spoiler and of course, Chief Wahoo McDaniels. Anytime wrestling was on TV, you could sure my grandmother and great-grandmother had the TV tuned in. I grew up on a steady stream of NWA/WCW wrestling matches. Dusty Rhodes, Magnum T.A., Junkyard Dog, The Road Warriors, Nikita Koloff and my favorites, The Four Horsemen. I thought it was real. The Horsemen beat anyone who got into their way. Following them into the parking lot, beating them and leaving them bloody. Ric Flair was the pretty boy. The dashing ladies' man, stylin' and profilin' all over the place and at his side, one of the greats, Double A, Arn Anderson. The Enforcer. Not the biggest, not the strongest, but smart and tough. Rounding out the Horsemen, were Tully Blanchard and a revolving fourth member after Ole Anderson left the group. I remember Tully Blanchard feuding with Magnum T.A.. Things got brutal.  Magnum would get split open and the injury looked ten times worse because of his incredible blonde mullet.

"Wrestling is fake, you know that right?" I would constantly hear this from random people as I was talking about wrestling to friends. I had grown up and knew wrestling was scripted, but I also learned that a lot of the injuries were not faked. These guys worked insane schedules, from state to state, with very little time off. If you got hurt and couldn't wrestler, you didn't get paid. Some had to constantly pop pain pills just to get out of bed. Some became bad alcoholics to numb the pain of their job. And what is that job? Entertaining us. Giving us a couple hours a week away from all the awful shit going on in the world. They create epic stories of good vs bad, where the good guy almost always wins. He may get beaten down several times, but eventually he beats the bad guys. They do this for us. Sure the top guys get paid pretty well, but they also destroy there bodies performing for us.  That is pretty awesome. Oh, and the "crimson mask"?, that is not fake blood. That is the result of taking a small razor blade, jabbing it into your forehead until you hit bone, and making a little slice. Did they actually get busted open when they got thrown into the turnbuckle? No, but does that make it fake?

I don't know why people have to point out wrestling is fake. I think 99% percent of fans know it is scripted, and they don't care. It is no different than watching your favorite TV show. They are all scripted. And your favorite reality shows? Scripted. I would have to say wrestling is far more real than most reality shows, it is just little less over the top.

It is hard to explain the joy you get, watching a great match. When both sides are on their mark and hitting every move and counter, it is a beautiful thing. Like a great fight scene from a movie, except this is done in one take, with way less rehearsal time. When you think your favorite is about to get pinned, only to have him kick out before the three count is a great feeling. Listening to the crowd of thousands cheering and booing, gasping and chanting really gets your blood pumping. If you haven't experienced that, give it a shot sometime. You would be surprised how good of actors some of these guys are. They are a weird mixture of athelete, choreographer and improv actor rolled into one larger than life character.

Yes, wrestling is scripted, but the injuries can be very real, as can some of the fighting. The is no more shame in watching wrestling as their is in watching The Vampire Diaries or Survivor. It is all just escapism. Sit back, relax and have fun.